I am suicidal. My name is Julibravo and three months ago I discovered this psychological ailment about myself in the most practical of ways and I am sorry to announce that I feel thankful that I tried to kill myself once.
That night, about 8pm, I wasn’t sure exactly why I felt a deep hollowness inside me but studies have shown that, that is just about all you need to decide to end your life – a deep hollowness, nothing else, you don’t even need to know why. Because suicides, some of the time are caused by nothing in particular you can pin-point to, but everything in general you can think of: From a failed relationship to a presently failing relationship, from a past failure in academics to an increasingly falling grades; and inasmuch as the said failure is relative you probably would consider yourself a total dunce if grades fall from ‘A’ to ‘B’ and stay steadily at ‘B’.
You probably would consider yourself an emotional wreck if all you ever hear people say is how badly you do, how ugly you look, how dumb your opinions are, and then you can’t but take it to heart even when you know you shouldn’t –because whether you like it or not people will always have something to say. You know this fact, but you are too weak. Such an emotional wreck so you feel terrible when their words replay in your head in your solitude time.
Bully. Here is a trigger alert for most suicides attempt and you’d wonder why people like us get bullied. How do girls get bullied though? like you have a gang of oppressing females purposefully locking you out of their clic because maybe you ain’t fair enough or tall enough, or generally hot enough and they tell you to your face. So the discrimination pulls you aside and makes you wonder what you were even born for if you couldn’t fit in.
Discontents. As a result of piled up unachieved goals and dissatisfaction in your present state of life. You crave indulgence from the custodian of good tidings but all you seem to receive is misfortune and endless promises that wouldn’t come.
I always have a cheerful demeanour that no one would know what I would do later that day, not even I. I didn’t entirely know I was capable of doing what my heart has being calling to me as the final solution to humiliation, disappointments and all my failures. But somehow God didn’t let it happen. So as I lied on my bed vibrating and sulking badly, eyes bulging and red from tears; The knife that would have pierced through my flat stomach now about a mile away and I was under the scrutinizing watch of the lady that had walked in on my sinful attempt to end a precious soul. I began to ask myself the questions I should have asked at the beginning – why do I need to end my life?
I was not entirely loveless but I didn’t have the love of people I desperately wanted to be loved by so I failed to see that the love that truly mattered was the one I had for myself. Infact, one may say I didn’t have love for myself hence the thought to exterminate myself. I was a very strong fool and a wicked person at most, taking that knife and aiming for my stomach with a fierce look and tears pouring from all the corners of my eyes.
I thought I was mad at the world because each time I tried to measure up I come face to face with bigger standards that I couldn’t, so I get intimidated and curl back to my zone. I didn’t realize that I had for myself standards too that people couldn’t match up to.
I liked attention especially from those I gave it to but the ones you give your all may not give you nothing in return but I didn’t consider that the distant aunt who called regularly to ‘just check-up’ could as well pass as all the attentions some folks would get from all the peoples in their lives and for all of their lives.
I began to break because I felt more regrets for the things I couldn’t get than appreciation for the things I already had.
Finally the world didn’t give a hoot about my emotions they could care less if I was depressed or sad with sufferable health conditions. In fact they owe me nothing that is to put it mildly… absolutely nothing.
So I decided that suicide had nothing to do with all of these but a sheer act of cowardice that spoke “I am a total fool, I do not deserve to be around those of you who have the guts to stay alive”
Life is a decision. Whatever choice you make there are consequences too which determines all that you have been and would be through.
Remember this: the world owes you nothing.
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