You know I realised that you were a man of destiny when you said telephone was not for the poor. Only a man of vision could at that time look into the future and come out with such a profound statement. A statement that went ahead to redefine our way of thought as Nigerians. It was a deep philosophical statement that gave all who heard it self respect. For the poor it put them in their position and for the rich it reaffirmed their status in life. It was indeed a eureka moment for you. So when your rerun election was announced, I did not panic. For I knew that as a world renowned philosopher, your people would want you back in the hallowed chamber. You have resoundly won your seat, showing your opponents that your bald head is not for nothing.
It is a head that contains deep knowledge and experience of the political process in this country. In fact how would we fare in this country if such a sage was exempted from the field, we would have had nothing but ourselves to blame for such calamity. I raise my glass and congratulate you even as I wish you a successful tenure. The Senate needs your experience especially as it concerns your ability to see into the future and see what cannot be for the poor. Welcome back, I fear small for there sha. But it’s ok, welcome and God bless.
Oliseh Metuh Calls
You see why I no dey too take these PDP people too seriously. Last Saturday my senior brother Olisa placed a call to me to invite me for a chat. I first did not want to pick the call, you know what they say about picking strange calls and your manhood. As a Calabar man with a strong attachment to my manhood, I stared at the phone with heavy reluctance. But the phone kept ringing, so with my manhood firmly in my grip, I picked it up and lo. It was the great man himself, Chief Olisa Metuh, the Senior Prefect of you know where and the spokesman of my former party, PDP. He was in a good mood and gleefully announced that he was coming into town and would not mind a meeting. I quickly agreed as I had a lot of questions to ask him about, ‘Boko Ali.......... ( shhhh, I will soon enter trouble o) their new chairman. We agreed to meet on Monday or Tuesday. I immediately called all members of the Parliament especially the President, Mr. Emeka Ibekwe to inform him to get all members ready for this meeting. I warned him not to come for the meeting with his slippers and that he had to shave since we may be meeting finally our spokesperson. My people as I write, my phone never ring o and you wonder why the election was lost. The man don dodge o. Shame is catching me and the Parliament members are looking at me the way you look at a goat thief. So upon all my mouth, my new shoes and shirt, Chief Olisa have disgraced me in front of people that really do admire him. Well, if he is reading kindly note that the Parliamentarians at Eric Manuel Street in Surulere are still waiting to hear from you. Don’t worry if it is the money to buy the goat meat and beer is the problem, we will pay our bills. Please come, we just want to ask how you guys arrived at the choice of ‘Boko Ali’ ..... Sorry can’t resist that nickname, I hear am for Uncle Lai mouth o. Shhhhhhhh.
You see why I no dey too take these PDP people too seriously. Last Saturday my senior brother Olisa placed a call to me to invite me for a chat. I first did not want to pick the call, you know what they say about picking strange calls and your manhood. As a Calabar man with a strong attachment to my manhood, I stared at the phone with heavy reluctance. But the phone kept ringing, so with my manhood firmly in my grip, I picked it up and lo. It was the great man himself, Chief Olisa Metuh, the Senior Prefect of you know where and the spokesman of my former party, PDP. He was in a good mood and gleefully announced that he was coming into town and would not mind a meeting. I quickly agreed as I had a lot of questions to ask him about, ‘Boko Ali.......... ( shhhh, I will soon enter trouble o) their new chairman. We agreed to meet on Monday or Tuesday. I immediately called all members of the Parliament especially the President, Mr. Emeka Ibekwe to inform him to get all members ready for this meeting. I warned him not to come for the meeting with his slippers and that he had to shave since we may be meeting finally our spokesperson. My people as I write, my phone never ring o and you wonder why the election was lost. The man don dodge o. Shame is catching me and the Parliament members are looking at me the way you look at a goat thief. So upon all my mouth, my new shoes and shirt, Chief Olisa have disgraced me in front of people that really do admire him. Well, if he is reading kindly note that the Parliamentarians at Eric Manuel Street in Surulere are still waiting to hear from you. Don’t worry if it is the money to buy the goat meat and beer is the problem, we will pay our bills. Please come, we just want to ask how you guys arrived at the choice of ‘Boko Ali’ ..... Sorry can’t resist that nickname, I hear am for Uncle Lai mouth o. Shhhhhhhh.
Chief Aremu Obasanjo: I beg for your forgiveness
I remain truly apologetic even as I am on my knees begging for forgiveness. Against all advice, I went and bought your book, the one that was banned, My Watch. Yes, I bought it in traffic at Maryland for just N5,000. Please don’t vex, the original price of N35,000 would feed my family for a month so I simply did the next best thing since I needed to read it badly by heading to the road junction to buy it. The man said it was N7,000 but since he had to feed his family that evening and he hadn’t sold anything that I could buy it for N5,000. That is how baba I bought a pirated copy of your book. I am truly very sorry and I hope you will understand why I could not cough out a whole N35,000 to buy a book written by a man of your age at this time when the naira is exchanging N400 for a dollar. But baba after finishing the first of the three books, I am looking for someone to buy it off me at N3,000. Don’t worry let me lose the N2,000, it’s a small sacrifice. The man who sold it originally to me is asking for N1,500 for the whole three because it is now second hand. See this thief o who sold a fake book to me and simply because I found the book excitingly boring now wants to take the opportunity to cheat me. Instead of selling it at that price, I will donate it to Tompolo who I believe will really need it in the imminent journey he would be embarking upon once the EFCC finally catches up with him. Shege!
I remain truly apologetic even as I am on my knees begging for forgiveness. Against all advice, I went and bought your book, the one that was banned, My Watch. Yes, I bought it in traffic at Maryland for just N5,000. Please don’t vex, the original price of N35,000 would feed my family for a month so I simply did the next best thing since I needed to read it badly by heading to the road junction to buy it. The man said it was N7,000 but since he had to feed his family that evening and he hadn’t sold anything that I could buy it for N5,000. That is how baba I bought a pirated copy of your book. I am truly very sorry and I hope you will understand why I could not cough out a whole N35,000 to buy a book written by a man of your age at this time when the naira is exchanging N400 for a dollar. But baba after finishing the first of the three books, I am looking for someone to buy it off me at N3,000. Don’t worry let me lose the N2,000, it’s a small sacrifice. The man who sold it originally to me is asking for N1,500 for the whole three because it is now second hand. See this thief o who sold a fake book to me and simply because I found the book excitingly boring now wants to take the opportunity to cheat me. Instead of selling it at that price, I will donate it to Tompolo who I believe will really need it in the imminent journey he would be embarking upon once the EFCC finally catches up with him. Shege!
Mama Bakassi at 70
Kai, I looked lustfully at the various pictures of Chief Mrs Florence Ita Giwa. I took the picture home and showed my Yoruba wife and warned her that at 70 she must look like this or risk the possibility of losing me to the house maid. I swear this is how Calabar women age, very gracefully. This madam is very exquisite and has defied age. Before you guys begin to think that I must be wanting something from her, let it be known that I have never met her before in my life and do not have any plans of meeting nor speaking with her except, of course, she decides on her own volition to seek my audience. So this my hailing is just an honest way of saying that she has kept herself very well. She has shown just what true womanhood represents in Nigeria with such a long and illustrious career in the public eye. Happy birthday, ekanmi. May you live longer than your enemies wish and may you continue to remain relevant to all the causes that are close to your heart especially that of the Bakassi people who are also my people. Let the edikaikong and palm wine keep flowing.
Senator Ben Bruce, is this common sense?
Is it common sense that you would celebrate your birthday without extending an invite to me, your most loyal supporter? Well that is life. Me that wept for you when you lost the election to govern your state. It’s just as well because if I had appeared that is how you will go on your usual Twitter rant like your brother Kanye West to yab me for eating more than two plates of rice at your party. Well as you clock 60, I pray that whatever you are looking for with Arik Airline you should get it. I don’t even know why the airline has not made you their brand ambassador. They should even dash you a plane the way Innoson Motors dashed you and your colleagues cars. The endorsement is out of this world, they should reciprocate o. Well my dear Senator, keep having fun with your Twitter, na your time. Stay blessed.
Is it common sense that you would celebrate your birthday without extending an invite to me, your most loyal supporter? Well that is life. Me that wept for you when you lost the election to govern your state. It’s just as well because if I had appeared that is how you will go on your usual Twitter rant like your brother Kanye West to yab me for eating more than two plates of rice at your party. Well as you clock 60, I pray that whatever you are looking for with Arik Airline you should get it. I don’t even know why the airline has not made you their brand ambassador. They should even dash you a plane the way Innoson Motors dashed you and your colleagues cars. The endorsement is out of this world, they should reciprocate o. Well my dear Senator, keep having fun with your Twitter, na your time. Stay blessed.
Calling Innoson Motors
My friend Scott is doing a road trip around Nigeria. He will be traveling by road around the country in 100 days and giving out scholarships to 100 students chosen from 100 towns. We have been talking to Innoson Motors who have proudly built made in Nigeria cars to support this initiative. It is not enough to dash senators this cars because I can swear they will never use them except they are bullet-and EFCC-proof. But Scott will drive the car around, showcasing its ruggedness and versatility as he meets millions of Nigerians on his trip. Which other mileage can you give this brand than this? A normal Nigerian driving a Made In Nigeria car across the country followed and tracked by a large retinue of social media buzz. Me thinks Innoson should jump on this matter urgently. I don talk my own.
My friend Scott is doing a road trip around Nigeria. He will be traveling by road around the country in 100 days and giving out scholarships to 100 students chosen from 100 towns. We have been talking to Innoson Motors who have proudly built made in Nigeria cars to support this initiative. It is not enough to dash senators this cars because I can swear they will never use them except they are bullet-and EFCC-proof. But Scott will drive the car around, showcasing its ruggedness and versatility as he meets millions of Nigerians on his trip. Which other mileage can you give this brand than this? A normal Nigerian driving a Made In Nigeria car across the country followed and tracked by a large retinue of social media buzz. Me thinks Innoson should jump on this matter urgently. I don talk my own.
Kenneth and the Lagos Theatre Festival
This is the time of the year that drives me crazy. Kai, five days of wonderful theatre sponsored by the British Festival Andy directed by my very good friend and highly gifted Kenneth Uphoho. This year I hear that they will be showcasing in various venues. The Tera Kulture, Freedom Park and the University of Lagos. I have made plans of getting tickets on all shows and the ones I don’t get, I will jump fence and enter. Wharrisit, after all, I am a taxpayer. So guys, take your babes and mistresses to these plays, the tickets are cheap meaning that unlike Valentine’s Day which is just one day, you have over five days to take as many girlfriends as possible to these shows. Just alternate the venues before one over-zealous gateman greets you in a familiar way and wondering if you did not enjoy the show yesterday hence your coming back for the second time. That one it will be just you and your personal god nursing your black eye. Kai!
This is the time of the year that drives me crazy. Kai, five days of wonderful theatre sponsored by the British Festival Andy directed by my very good friend and highly gifted Kenneth Uphoho. This year I hear that they will be showcasing in various venues. The Tera Kulture, Freedom Park and the University of Lagos. I have made plans of getting tickets on all shows and the ones I don’t get, I will jump fence and enter. Wharrisit, after all, I am a taxpayer. So guys, take your babes and mistresses to these plays, the tickets are cheap meaning that unlike Valentine’s Day which is just one day, you have over five days to take as many girlfriends as possible to these shows. Just alternate the venues before one over-zealous gateman greets you in a familiar way and wondering if you did not enjoy the show yesterday hence your coming back for the second time. That one it will be just you and your personal god nursing your black eye. Kai!
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